Acts20.com NEW Acts-Celerate

> Some good ones……..> 😎> Me (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red): I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again! Trainer: It was a situp. You did one sit up .> > Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.> > It’s weird being the same age as old people. > > When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.> > Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter> > Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.> > It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.> > Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.> > My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.> > I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are…> > If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?> > I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.> > W ecan all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’> > So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?> > f you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.> > I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.> > Corona-coaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying and missing people you don’t even like.> > I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.> > Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.> > I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.> > I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit> > How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”> > At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”> > You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.> > We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it________________